by Ira H. Silverman
The great philosopher, Baseball Hall of Famer Yogi Berra, once famously said: “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Unfortunately, guys, when it comes to online dating, even knowing where you go might not get you there. My target group is women my age, which is AARP- eligible. The years have taught them to be self-protective, which makes sense, but I’ve encountered so many barriers and obstacles that sometimes I wonder if the trip is worth the effort.
If I sound frustrated, here’s why. I’ve spent a decade trying to find a geographically and age-compatible woman I can laugh and talk with, whose outlook on life, values and interests are similar to mine, and who has the time and interest to work on a long-term relationship. So far, no luck. But along the way I’ve learned a lot.
So, gentlemen, I am here to help and enlighten you and maybe even get you to break through the online dating barriers and reach your destination.
WHERE TO BEGIN
I have tried more than a half-dozen sites including Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, which you can use for free. Others like New Beginnings, Jdate, Match.com, Tinder, OurTime and Elite Singles require membership fees.
If you’re a guy who’s new to online dating, I’d suggest you try the two free sites for a few months before committing to a mainstream pay site. But even before that, you might want to research the increasing number of special-interest sites that have cropped up. Trek Passions caters to fans of science fiction. My420Mate attracts marijuana users. Then there’s Clown Dating. If you’re a sailor you might try Sea Captain Date. If you want someone way out there, why not go for Paranormal Date? There are several sites for travel lovers.
The possibilities are endless.
THE PITFALLS ALONG THE WAY
I don’t claim to understand how women think. But my personal research, trial and error, deep conversations and strong intuition have helped me understand why it is so difficult to make a meaningful connection with a woman my age via online dating sites.
As I get older, the women the sites match me with are obviously getting older, too. That means more women who are widowed rather than divorced, and only rarely women who have never married or are separated.
Most of the widowed candidates say that they had long, loving marriages. It often appears they still miss their husbands, whether their loss occurred two years ago, or two decades.
As for the divorced contenders, whether their marriages ended recently or years ago, they often still carry feelings of heartbreak, anxiety, and betrayal. Some have lost respect for men.
This, gentlemen, is the state of mind we can find when we join an online dating site.
SO WHY ARE THESE WOMEN ON DATING SITES IN THE FIRST PLACE?
I believe a lot of women use an online dating site because one or more influential people in their lives convinced them that they had to “get back out there again.” Maybe it was one or more of their girlfriends, a sister or cousin, their adult children, a co-worker or even a neighbor.
Which brings me to another Yogi-ism: “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
If these women are not truly motivated or excited about dating or establishing an ongoing relationship, they’re not likely to change their minds.
The truth is that virtually all of the women whom I have met through a dating site have, out of necessity, put a great deal of time, thought and effort into building full and satisfying lives for themselves without including a man in the mix.
These women surround themselves with family members, friends and pets. They either work full or part-time or volunteer for something worthwhile. Many babysit for their grandchildren whenever they can. They belong to clubs and organizations and enjoy exercising and working out.
A lot of them travel as often as possible and frequently take advantage of culture and arts opportunities.
In addition to the time that these women spend with their adult children, grandkids and dogs and cats, they almost always have separate groups of women with whom they have dinner and lunch on a regular basis. Others have set groups of friends for tennis, or mah-jongg or bowling. And some may have regular movie, concert or theater nights with their girlfriends.
Men On The Other Hand
Conversely, most men, if they’re lucky, have two or at most three close friends in their lives. Sure, there’s the weekly poker night or hockey game, but they certainly don’t travel around in packs or with a posse.
My final bit of wisdom about online dating for older guys comes as a warning. If you notice that a woman you have met online recently has difficulty, right from the start, replying to written messages in a timely fashion, making phone calls as promised or clearing time in her schedule to meet in person, don’t expect that she will change going forward.
Remember, if you have no expectations, you’ll have no disappointments. But hey. I’m an optimist and I keep trying. You should, too. For all of the obstacles to online dating, when the right people connect, lightning can strike.
Ira H. Silverman is known as The Connector. Over the past 45 years, he has been a public relations agency owner, a sports and celebrity agent, a special events planner and producer, and a marketer and fundraiser for not-for-profit foundations. He lives on Long Island, NY.
